The Science of Apologizing: Why Saying Sorry is Unusually Hard

The last time I said sorry to someone was recent ― when I made a mistake with some phone bills. I remember feeling wretched because my confidence insisted that I didn’t make a slip in the first place.

Well, it turns out I did, and big time. However, once I apologized for my wrongdoings, I immediately sensed an enormous relief. It felt like I was letting my ego go. And go it shall.

I say to thee: be banished, you spiteful beast, I imagined myself speaking like a medieval cavalryman fighting a creature of gigantic proportions.

A while ago, I read a great book by clinical psychologist Harriet Lerner, where she argues exhaustively about the human nature of apologizing―and why we suck at it. It’s a masterpiece packed with sanity and practical advice for everyday life. 

What struck me the most about the book is that I could instantly recognize my insincere sorry moments. And there was a ton of them.

The Hopeless Quest for the Sweet Spot

As we grow up, we develop our inner worlds and convictions. It’s so hard to let go once you spend years investing in them. That’s the chief obstacle to saying sorry when an apology is due. We rather find excuses than apologize. Every. Single. Time. 

Saying sorry is so tricky because it tampers with our already existing beliefs and views. And we really want to be infallible.

We take turns being the offender and the offended until our very last breath. It’s reassuring to know that we have the possibility to set things right, or at least to know that we have brought our best selves to the task at hand, however the other person responds.

Harriet Lerner in Why Won’t You Apologize

How hard can it be to evaluate an event objectively and say sorry if the other side was on the receiving end? Pretty fucking difficult. 

Remember my phone bill apology? Although I said sorry, it wasn’t the most genuine apology since the beginning of humankind. It was an inadequate, dishonest word that I just wanted to get on with. And I knew that to be the case. Hence, the relief that ensued was remarkably undeserved. 

Finding the sweet spot between a plain sorry and over-apologizing is probably among the most delicate things in our galaxy. Okay―I concede―stars transitioning to supernovas might be the second most delicate thing in the Milky Way.

Back to my point: I met so many people who can’t shut their mouths when something goes wrong. Sorry, sorry, I apologize. I didn’t mean it. It was entirely my mistake. Well, button it already, champ. The world isn’t coming to a premature end because you made a slip. 

Conversely, people feel their self or ego are under attack if they apologize. If you have solid self-esteem, you can admit that you made an error while simultaneously not feeling that you are weaker on the inside. When you say sorry, you aren’t supposed to assume that you lost something to the other person. Because you haven’t. Both have gained. 

Never Demand an Apology

You may feel like somebody wronged you, and you wish the hurt made to you be recognized. If you are dealing with a non-apologizer, good luck with that! No amount of requesting a sorry will suffice.

In the words of Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, “I’m not okay, you’re not okay, and that’s okay.” Recognizing this plain truth will soothe your internal dissatisfaction with someone not apologizing.

Yet, most people are good, kind, and thoughtful. In fact, they’ll apologize as soon as they see their mistake. For the rest of us, it’s completely fine if we fail to say sorry.

That’s why I’d recommend being as selfish as possible in this sense. A multitude of studies proves that apologizing can have psychological benefits for the apologizer. However, some claim otherwise. Just sweep aside the second evidence, and you are good to go. 

Seriously, at a personal level, I can feel that I’m far better off when I apologize than when I don’t. Saying sorry allows me to train my mind and ego and show up better for future situations. And that’s good enough for me.

No matter where you fall on the apology spectrum―if you are a non-apologizer, an over-apologizer, or somewhere in between―you can’t deny that you occasionally make mistakes.

I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. Actually, scratch that.

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