The Logic Behind API: Assume Positive Intent

There’s nothing like always presuming the worst about people: in what they say, how they behave, and what they believe. But have you ever tried to hit them with some quality API? Let me explain.

It turns out that researchers suggest that we “read” the emotions and thoughts of those closest to us with an accuracy of only 35 percent! And we don’t even get that amount right, khm-khm, speaking from personal experience.

That’s pretty discouraging since you probably thought you knew what your partner meant when he told you to take the garbage out: He probably thinks I never do it. That has to be why he’s so patronizing.

How about this: Maybe ― just maybe, he only asked you to take the garbage out? Full stop. No obscure meaning involved. No crossword or cipher to solve. Just a simple ask.

Not Great, Not Terrible

It’s just freaking difficult to take a second and think about what the other person meant, instead of always jumping ahead and spurting the nasty stuff out of your mouth just because your amygdala tells you to, and because it feels remarkably satisfying to always be right spot-on.

We were programmed to want to be unmistakable and prove others as less worthy.

That way, we raise our price in society. Or at least we used to. Like 10,000 fucking years ago. So it’s time to grow up. Or not.

The other day I was talking to my wife and she said something that made me awfully angry. Good thing I didn’t react to that anger but just recognized it, literally just felt it emerging. I tried to figure out what she genuinely meant: I knew she didn’t want to upset me.

Then I concluded that this was far more effective if we wanted to keep the conversation going and not just be angry with each other for the rest of the day.

Anger doesn’t produce any good shit, a thoughtful conversation ― on the other hand ― does.

Making these small tweaks in everyday life is tremendously valuable. You don’t need sophisticated tools, skills, or knowledge to handle your emotions and behaviors. Just use mindfulness meditation instead.

Simply put, it means to notice whatever is happening inside of you in each moment, or at least most of them.

Don’t Be a Jerk: Practice API

But since this blog isn’t about the art of spiritual practice, let’s just imagine the following situation. You park your car on its designated spot to buy some groceries at the shop. A few moments later, some guy parks right behind you, blocking your exit.

Naturally, you feel furious and want to act on it: just smash the fucker’s windshield and wish him and his offspring ill fortune for the rest of their worldly existence. Well, he had it coming! Right?

You wait in your car for the douchebag to take his car away, and you see him wearing a hat from a local charitable organization that’s helped thousands of elderly homeless citizens in your hometown.

It turns out he blocked your exit for 10 minutes just so he could deliver food to the local public soup kitchen.

Your view of him changes dramatically. You just stop and see how plain wrong you were just a few seconds ago.

Goddamit!

Is there something you could’ve done about it before you lashed out? What story were you telling yourself when you first saw the car blocking your exit? Nothing good. But could you’ve done anything else instead?

You sure could. You could’ve Assumed Positive Intent.

Always assume that somebody had a positive thing in mind when they did something. That way you don’t have to fast-charge your brain with gloomy vibes and catastrophic scenarios.

Just think that people had good intentions even though you see terrible results of those allegedly virtuous intents.

Don’t do it for them but for your own selfish reasons: You don’t want to be a hot mess of disrepair who just can’t control himself because he’s a slave to his impulses for 86.400 seconds daily.

Yep, that’s the length of your day and mine. It seems pretty long, which is why you should decide what you want to act on in every living second. Not your amygdala or the people around you.

Grow up, assume positive intent, and hit people with some quality API. It might be the most illuminating part of your day.

• 
  Are People Good, Bad, or Somewhere in Between?
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  Four Astonishing Rules for Superior Conversations
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