Four Astonishing Rules for Superior Conversations

People are always wondering if there is some secret ingredient to having better, dare I say it, superior conversations. The truth is, no quick fixes can help you converse better with your partners, parents, or coworkers.

However, I recently found out about this guy named Anatol Rapaport, a game theorist who insists he knows some rules that could make your conversations exponentially better.

Real and Surreal Talk

It’s accurate to say that every talk is a unique labyrinth, hidden in Russian nesting dolls, enveloped in an enigma. Yep, it’s that complicated. 

Still, his majesty Rapaport, and a colleague of his, Daniel Dennett, came up with the following four principles for having more useful, honest superior conversations:

1) You should attempt to re-express your target’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, “Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way.”

Note that being sneaky or witty doesn’t count.

2) You should list any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement).

In other words, name the things you agree on, and work from there. This move could soften your interlocutor’s rigid stance. 

3) You should mention anything you have learned from your target.

People want to know they taught you something. That means you were a careful listener when they were talking. 

4) Only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism.

Once you’ve reached this stage, there probably won’t be too much opposition left on either side of the conversation spectrum. By this point, you have likely resolved your dispute or done something else that’s reasonable to end the conversation on friendly terms.

Easier said than done, Stefan, you may think to yourself.

The Resolution Is (Not) Out There

And who even cares to go through the trouble of contemplating these four points while waging conversational warfare? Not me, that’s for sure. Once you get into a verbal scuffle or any other sort of argument, the only thing your brain cares about is winning. 

It’s called being human.

After all, why have an impartial and truthful discussion if you can just orally bash the other person for having particular views? Why invest any effort when expressing your criticism is so much easier?

When somebody questions your views, you feel like your identity is at stake. And your identity is―essentially―who you are, or you think you are.

Consequently, you want to exist rather than not exist, and the person who is questioning your views is also challenging your identity. Ergo, fuck that guy who wants you not to exist. 

Okay, that escalated quickly.

Superior Conversations in Action

As you’ve already seen on my blog―the stuff you’re reading right now―I try not to give you the solutions but help you get them yourself. Yep, who’s the sucker now?

In the words of public intellectual and one of my favorite science writers, Michael Shermer: Most conversations contain an emotional valence. So it’s imperative that you assess what those emotions are and―if negative―address them before the conversation goes any further.

He also provides invaluable advice on how to avoid spiraling into an anger shitstorm:

• Monitor yourself for signs of anger.
• Practice silence. Don’t respond. Pause.
• Listen for words and emotions.
• End the conversation and walk away if things go south, and do it in a non-confrontational manner.

We are terrible at recognizing negative emotions in ourselves but seem to be experts at seeing others’ anger and joy. 

Like with many other things, the solution lies in developing awareness of what you feel, think, and do. And having superior conversations is inseparable from that. Hmmm, I’d consider printing this on a T-shirt if I were you. THE END.

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  Four Astonishing Rules for Superior Conversations
  What if I told you that conversing superbly with others is a matter of following a particular set of rules? You would understandably tell me something along the lines of: Escort thyself from my existence, and consider not another utterance.
• 
  The Science of Apologizing: Why Saying Sorry is Unusually Hard
  Yearly, thousands of people die as a result of failing to apologize for their mistakes. I may have made this number up but ask yourself: Do I always say sorry when an apology is due, and why not?